So I has based this post off a conversation I have with tlizzy on her post DAY 9: BLOGGING 101; GET INSPIRED BY THE NEIGHBOURS.
As a few of may have guessed, I do not have much of a relationship with my mother. She often told be as I was growing up and she didn’t want me because I’m a girl. She only wanted my brother. On top of that, she often tried to leave me places and tried to change the locks (only to fail since she was too lazy to get it right.) I haven’t said much about my father since, it’s a bit of a sore subject. Let me explain.
My father left when I was three. My brother and I had every other weekend visits with him until I was twelve. It actually my favorite time since my step-mum was goofy but so nice and sweet. A totally different woman than my mother. We would paint and draw and play outside, all depending how my father was feeling. He was in Vietnam and had PTSD. Little things would tick him off and often it cam out on my or my brother (or my step-mum or siblings). We had to walk on eggshells around him. I’m not going to lie, I was his favorite and I got to stay and watch Star Trek when I was with him.
Then we stopped seeing him when I was twelve; his car broke down, his relationship with my step-mum crashed and burned and then two years later he moved to Florida. I never really got close to him. And I struggled with that for most of my life. I had two parents who had their own problems and I was forgotten in the mix. This made my teenage years difficult. (There were other problems too but I will hold back on that stuff here).
As I got older, I started to realize that life was not going to be easy for me and that I can’t just sit in self pity. If I wanted life to be worth something, I needed to break away from the jealously and anger I had for life and I had to make it better.
I lost my father this past July. We hadn’t spoke for over a year before that. I felt so guilty about it but I knew my father, He had stopped talking to me in his own way of protecting me. He didn’t want me to know how sick he was. I still struggle with it but I know that now he is at peace and isn’t fighting the world. So I can take peace in that.
Also, I got to connect with my grandmother and aunt who I really never knew. So that is another win, if you view it that way. It is so great to get to know them.
The biggest thing for me as I raise my daughter is to make sure she knows that she is loved – even if I can’t always tell her. I grew up with parents who had other things on their plates (for my father) I’m not mad. Now that I am an adult, I understand that his part he tried. He wasn’t perfect. But I am glad for those times of shinning brightness that broke through the clouds of my childhood. I don’t want my daughter to miss those bright spots. So I am going to try my best to show her the brightness!
So, enough with the past, now on to the future and meeting new people! 🙂
Until next time…